remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
