I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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