Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
