pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
