dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
