broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
