Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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