drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
