I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
