Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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