At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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