I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
