the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
