my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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