remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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