i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
