Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
