sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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