weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
