Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
