Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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