mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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