Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
