we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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