If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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