I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who died my cat blue again?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
