I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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