I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
