If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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