make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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