She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
