When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
