just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
