Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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