On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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