i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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