god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
