Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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