i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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