oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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