theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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