3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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