So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize