i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
