nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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