It's like God shit irony all over that family
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
