my phone needs a breathalizer
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
