Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
