Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
