i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
