shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize