he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
