Can i not drive my cunt home
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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