Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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