Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
