this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We're too hungover to prance.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
