Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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