i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
