The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want her autograph on my taint
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize