My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
