Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found your dick twin last night
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
