barbara walters just said penis...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
